School’s back in session….and a part of me is glad and another part of me gets a little frustrated with the whole thing. At the beginning of each school year, the teachers (along with others) start recruiting parents and volunteers for all kinds of different activities. There’s the PTO’s, Teachers Luncheons, Cookie Dough Sale, Fruit Sale, Christmas Wrapping Paper Sale, Magazine Sale, Coupon Book Sale, Candy Sale……and the list goes on and on and on! If your a mom with kids in school…you know what I mean. :) Then I go to church, where I really want to serve and give of my time but now am hesitant to do so because I know all to well how I can overcomit myself.
How do you react when an opportunity for service presents itself? Do you feel guilty saying “no” and then end up saying “yes”? Why do I feel as if I need to do it all….why do women in general feel like they need to do it all? I know without a doubt that I can do just about anything I want to when I set my mind to it. But, I’ve learned the hard way that I cant do it all at the same time.
I love working in the church atmosphere. It truly has been an honor to be a part of that. But, I have had many hard lessons to learn because of it. For years, I tried to earn the love and apporval of others and GOD by doing everything I could find to do. If a position needed filling, I filled it. If a job needed doing, I either volunteered or just did it. Doing all these important things in the church made me feel needed, important and feed my desire for selfish ambition. The result was not fun for me, my true friends or my family. I wound up at the bottom of a deep, dark pit and finally realized it was called clinical depression. It was as if God just turned everything off. He allowed me to run to the end of myslef, then He shut the door and turned out the lights. He needed to get my attention…..and boy-oh-boy did He ever work me over! After He took many things I loved to do away from me, and let me go without…..I finally broke down and let Him know that He had my attention!
I want to write more about this. I want to share my heartache, frustration and sooo much more but am not sure how to do it. Soo, I will only write when I feel the need to. This I do know….God wants me (us) to have a balanced life. I in no way feel as if I have the victory in this. But, I do know that to abide in Christ is certainly a step forward in the right direction. Even with abiding, I felt a little lost. I was a pro at “doing”, but an amateur in “abiding”. But, I am learning that to abide is to rest in Christ with the right priorities in place for my life.
“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch connot bear
fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you,
unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches;
he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit;
for apart from Me you can do nothing.”
John 15:4 & 5
God’s pretty clear in this verse. One cannot abide in life without Him. One of my main problems in my life is that I do not know how to live a balanced life. I find it difficult to set boundaries, and in doing so…without even realizing it until it was tooo late, I surrendered what I thought was “doing God’s Will” to the emptiness, vain and selfishness of just doing the next thing that came down the path or pleasing the loudest voice. For me….my balance of life got wrapped up in this and then became a big twisted knot. I felt lost and lonely. I even felt despair and sadness. It became where I could not measure up to anyone’s standards and I was loosing control of my life. I could no longer balance all the demands of my home, family, friends, work and personal area’s of my life.
Are you familiar with the verse, ” Run the race that is set before you……” ? Well, I had been running and running, but I was doing it in my own power. I had been running the race for the wrong audience and as a result, relied on my own selfishness instead of the power of God.
That has been almost two years ago that I felt sooo completley lost and I wish I could say that I had it all figured out now and was on the right track. But, I dont. Everyday is a new day….a new beginning filled with all its ups, downs and challenges. I am constantly having to re-evaluate my priorities and goals in order to find the balance that God intends for me to have. I am still finding myself having to make choices between the good things and the best things. Depression is an ongoing battle….daily…..minute by minute and at times second by second. I hate it! I hate admitting that I am weak and that I need help. But, I do.
I find it soo easy to just hide in my own bedroom….throw the covers over my head and pray that the world will just go away. Have you been there? It’s at times easier to do the things that let us hide from people and world, but in the long run….you still have to face reality. God is reality. He wants to be in the battle with me. He wants to walk each step of each day with me. Soo, I find myself reading, praying and taking those baby steps to rest in God so that I can have the life of balance that I soo long for. How about you?